THE BUTTOCKS AND THE DRUM...

Hi everyone,

It is such a beautiful evening. I love when the weather is so somnolent. It gives me an opportunity to daydream...there is no power supply, and for the first time in forever, I actually don't mind. This weather calms me, I almost feel like I can fly! *laughs*

I got the inspiration to write this poem three hours ago! I immediately started tying furiously on my phone. I am sure some of us who write understand the rush you get when a new idea pops in your head...it can be likened to the feelings you experience when you fall in love for the first time...I guess...

Anyway, I hope you get the same feeling as you read this!!!

Enjoy!

THE BUTTOCKS AND THE DRUM

What is it?
I ask you
Why do they love to follow a load of fat around?
I heard the iya ilu drum sound so furiously
At the tick tack movement of her buttocks
She swayed
He beat faster
She shook
He died slowly
She didn't need to dance
All she did was roll
She rolled
He beat faster
She rolled faster
He beat his hardest
She didn't dance
No, all she did was move the enticing fat
The behind she knew they would follow...

The drum refused to stop...
She kept shaking
At a point, it looked like convulsion of the buttocks...
She shook as if a demon was in her
The dundun drum spoke love words to her sumptuous buttocks
It said what the drummer lacked courage to say...
The drum professed love to her buttocks
Her buttocks coyishly replied..

All of a sudden
She stopped
I heard the drum grumble...
As if her buttocks heard..
It began to move again
The drum came alive
This time with a different beat
The buttocks replied with a slower roll

All the while...I wondered why?
Why does a 'pair' of buttocks have the power to render a man and his drum senseless...

Mylipsrsealed...

P.S. To the African men who love 'the buttocks'...

GIFTS TO THE EXS...stories my girlfriends told me!!!

Evening all,

I am moving to the second part of the gifts to my EXS. I am done being a regretful person so you don't have to worry about me writing to any more ex...no more hate PMs on blackberry...it is their loss anyway, I am now telling the stories my girlfriends told me about their relationships- past, and present. You will be amazed at how much you can learn at a saloon when you and your friends are making your hair.

Now, I don't really believe in female friends because...let's face it...we girls love drama. I have enough drama in me...I don't need extra...believe me!!! However, female friends are really blessings in disguise. When you think you have seen it all, heard it all...just ask your girlfriend about her man, and you will know you haven't seen nothing.

Two months ago, when I started the blook on my exs, a few of my friends decided to share their stories with me...I am definitely not sharing with you guys BUT I will be sending gifts to all the guys they dated.

I know I should mind my business but I am just an amebo!!!

So...enjoy the second part of the letters to the EXS...stories my girlfriends told me...

Now, this ex dated my friend, and he managed to make her drop out of school, have an abortion, and smoke igbo...Amazing right? Or should I say...I don't even know what word to use.

I am going to tell this ex a few things my friend forgot to say to him...thankfully he doesn't know me so...I am safe (I think)

By the way, if you are reading this, it means you are also an amebo like me..thumbs up

Enjoy...


TO THE NFA (NO FUTURE AMBITION)


I know your story
You have none
You love, hurt, then aim to kill
Almost as if you are a devil child
She slumped for you
She worshipped you
Then you revealed yourself.

I don't know what she saw in you
You are not even good as a handbag
The first rule is
He must look good as a handbag
Second is
He must have a plan
Me I know say you no get any of these.

Nowadays everybody wants smoke igbo
Like Fela child of Kuti
I wonder if they know Fela had a plan
He smoked igbo but he had a plan
He was plain but he looked good as a handbag
Why do you think so many women carried him around?
Silly boys of now
Smoking igbo without a plan

I asked her about your smile
She said it was 'just there'
I asked her about your swag
She said you had none
I asked her why she stayed
She gave me a blank stare
Mumu like her!!!

I am asking you
What do you gain?
Loving them and leaving them?
What is the point of breaking them?
Are you on some contract with the devil?
Tell me...I can keep a secret!

Look at her now
She doesn't even look like my friend
She looks like a familiar stranger
Thanks to you
We all have to start giving her a personality
Since you managed to kill the one she had...


Well, at least she is back
I don't mind what state she is in
She will get better!
She will be stronger
And you will see it...I promise you!


Mylipsrsealed...


P.S. To the ones who have no ambition yet they manage to get girls!!!

*Me I know say you no get any of these*- I know you don't have any of these
*Amebo*- meddler
*Mumu like her*- naivete
*igbo*- marijuana

THE RELUCTANTS...

Hi all,

I am so grateful to all of you that find time to read my blog.

Whew...what I am wearing is still on, my gift to the exs is yet to be finished, and I have other projects that are begging to be executed...I am in my house, and I can't work because I don't know where to start from.
How did I get so choked up with work? I wonder!

The weather is determined to darken every part of me, NEPA is not kind enough to supply electricity...top of that my modem refuses to do the work I paid it do...as if that isn't enough...I keep feeling hungry!!! How am I supposed to work under such gruesome conditions? I am telling you...hard work doesn't thrive in Nigeria...there are too many factors that are against it...

The best solution is to sit back and let God do all the work, once He is done...just take the icing and put it on the cake...and then sell it. Do not forget to give accolades to God though...since He did the work. That's what I do.

On a different note... Do you guys remember Ngozi Iweala?..the woman who backed Jonah during fuel subsidy? You remember her? She is a minister for something...she is supposedly very intelligent? You still don't remember? Ok, maybe this will help. She is the first woman to push a man to become the most cursed president on the internet...now you remember. Well she is contesting for world bank presidency seat! Imagine...she wants to leave Uncle Jonah after pushing him in hot water...I just pity Jonah..if she leaves..he is going to be made into asun (local suya)...*evil laughter*

Anyway, I am not interested in their palaver right now...I just want to tell you a story.

Story...story...story

The title of my story is THE RELUCTANTS...

Enjoy...


THE RELUCTANTS.

These three people wanted to be great...they each had their dreams...they all wanted to be tailors. They went after their dreams and they promised themselves to meet up after three years to measure their achievements

So they embarked on their journeys...

After three years..they got together and only one had become a tailor...why?

I will let each one tell you his/her story.

RELUCTANT No.1

Hello jare everyone,

I am a tailor no matter what anyone says. I can't sow, and I don't know how to cut but I can use my imagination to dress you up. I will draw and you will see. Don't worry, very soon, I will begin to sow...well as soon as I find a master who is worthy of my talents.

Can you imagine? I have worked with five different teachers yet I don't even know how to hem..hiss. It is not my fault at all. I paid them to teach me yet all I got in return were errands...not useful errands like...cut the material or sow the tear in that dress..no o...useless errands like..wash the baby's nappy..go to my house and sweep. Please how are those errands going to help me become a tailor? If you know your child is a waste factory, find him a potty or give him garri so that he will stop shitting in his nappies.

I should have known better than to go to local tailors for apprenticeship...all they do is send their apprentices on errands meant for maids. Anyway, I quit after two years of washing nappies, sweeping, and cursing. I went back home, and I decided to write Jamb...at least if I go to the university..I can learn tailoring in a better environment, I will even apply for apprenticeship in all those Lagos fashion designing institutions...I will try one girl..Lisa Folawiyo abi? Yes! I read about her on the internet.

I hope I pass Jamb sha..Gawd forbid I wash nappy again!!!

I am a tailor not a maid!!!

RELUCTANT No.2

Hi people,

Can I just say this is awkward. I feel so weird. I am the only one who is a tailor amongst my three friends...they seem indifferent but I know better.
I just hope none of them reports me to their witchcraft mothers, I have enough challenges, I don't need anyone doing 'ayamatanga' to me. I am not a prayer warrior and my parents are muslims that don't pray 5 times a day.

Well, God help me. So, how did I become a tailor?

Well, I endured all the pain with my master for two years. I learnt all I could while she was not watching, and then I stole all her customers!!!
Don't look at me like that, I didn't have time to meet people and advertise myself so I used what I had to get what I needed...simple.

I hear she has not stopped cursing me since I got my freedom but I am not moved. I am a tailor and I have my certificate and experience to bear me witness.

I am not going to school so this is my only means of survival. Whoever stands in my way will perish in the lake of hell. I sha Allah!! I am a tailor and I will be the best.

I know these two idiots will still come and work for me...don't tell them I said so..

Education...my foot!!!


RELUCTANT No.3

Hello,

Why am I explaining to you the reason why I am not a tailor? Do you feed me?..ok, since you have a lot of time on your hands to be listening to stories...let me indulge you...

I am not interested in tailoring, I want to be a footballer. However, my grandfather does not believe in football. That is the reason I decided to go for tailoring. I thought I could play football in my spare time. I thought tailoring was easy. Is it not cutting, sowing..yes plus measurement...so, I started working...whenever my oga was not around, I would go and play football...one hour before he comes back, I will go to the shop and start sowing.

He would always ask why the job wasn't finished and I would lie. Nepa was not stable in that area so it was very easy to lie against Nepa...

I thought I was smart, and I knew how to play my cards until the day I forgot to finish a customer's dress and she turned out to be my teammate's mother...well the rest is history..I got thrown out.

I am happy it happened. It was either he threw me out or I started sowing mismatched clothes for his customers.
I am going to MTN's football academy...

Tailoring should go and sit down...

Mylipsrsealed..

P.S. For the 3 little girls I heard gossiping!!!

THEY SAID...

Morning everyone,

I am so glad to end this 3 part story...I had so much fun writing them. I hope you enjoy reading them too. I pray we learn to help one another, and fight rape...it is very important to help young girls realise the danger of rape, and how to avoid it...I am saying NO to rape...please join me in the fight against it...


THE MAN LIVING UPSTAIRS SAID...

I am not sure what happened. I am never at home so I don't know what goes on. However, I have been seeing both of them together for a while. I know they are always laughing. I thought they were happy. Wait...are you saying she is not his girlfriend? Ehn ehn...I did not know.

Anyway, I heard she said he raped her. I think it is disappointing that a young man of that status can degrade himself to such a standard. Why? When he can get any other girl. Women are too many for anyone to start thinking of rape. If you toast one, and she says no...move to another, eventually one of them would see you as their kind of man.

Take me for example, I met my wife after chasing all the girls in my university. I chased everything in skirt because I needed a girlfriend desperately but nobody saw me as their 'mr right.' It was when I gave up, and I went to the village to see my mother that I met my wife....well, to be sincere, I knew my mother had picked a girl for me but I didn't want to marry a bush girl. I wanted a fresh graduate. However, since nobody wanted me,I had to marry her...look at me now, I am happy. I am not sure my mate at the university would have made me happy. My wife has given me three boys and still counting. I am a proud father.

My point is...no need to rape a girl when you can meet another that will give you for free...


THE WOMAN STAYING IN THE QUARTERS SAID...

That boy is wicked...useless boy!!! Oloshi..raping a geh just like that. I don't really blame him sha. If you saw the way the girl was always parading his house...you will know something was bound to happen. I am just sorry for her. Who will marry her now? Everybody knows she is no longer pure...wait was she ever pure? Children of nowadays that think sex is a free gift...no shame at all (hiss)

Look at me, my husband...may his soul rest in peace...married me a virgin,...how many gehs can boast of that? Me...I was the most beautiful then...I was finer than that geh that is using her big mouth to spoil her name...as fine as I was, did I get raped? No!!! I knew better than to be parading myself like baby kingsway around a man...

Anyway, I am glad she is leaving. I can't help but feel sorry for her. She makes me uncomfortable. Every time, I see her, I feel like giving her ten naira or something, and patting her head. She should go abeg.

The foolish boy has nothing to lose. All he has to do is pretend he has changed, shed a few crocodile tears, and all the gehs will pity him. Soon, he will have another geh to sleep with. He will damage another one, and that one too will allow herself be damaged willingly...please he needs to go too. My daughter is five years old, and I will like her to remain a virgin till she meets a rich, fine, Yoruba man from Ekiti that will build me a beautiful house ,and marry her...


Please both of them should leave this house...I have said my own...

Mylipsrsealed...

P.S. Please fight rape anywhere you are...

Oloshi- useless
Geh- girl
Baby kingsway- a barbie doll

SHE SAID...

Hi everyone,

I am telling the same story from another angle...so exciting right? It is a sad story, and I can't do enough justice to it. Every time, I write I make use of my imagination, and my ever expanding knowledge of incidents. I create these characters but I am not sure I really tell their stories well enough...I wish I could breathe life into them so they can speak...I am such a dreamer right?

Well, since I don't have superpowers, please try,and enjoy the work of an ordinary being telling extra-ordinary stories!!!

Enjoy!!!


SHE SAID...

Why did he do it?...was I too friendly? Did I give him signals that made him do it? I specifically turned down his proposals twice...why?...why me?...maybe I was too nice...my dresses are not short or showy..I dress like a lady...so why?

I wasn't nasty to him when we were friends not even when I noticed he had mouth odour. I overlooked it, and I kept my friendship with him. I don't understand where I erred. I was a good neighbour, and friend. I trusted him with secrets I couldn't tell my friends. I guess it is true what they say...' Never trust a man who is too affectionate.'

We did not start as friends...just neighbours who were civil to each other. Every morning, I stepped out of my flat, he was the first person I saw. He always had a smile for me. You know that genuine smile that helps to make a day better...well that was the kind of smile he had every morning. I should have known better...

We became closer after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was so heart broken, and I had no-one to talk with...so, I found solace in his arms. He never blamed me for the break-up. He always blamed my ex, which made me admire him even more. We started to gist daily. I didn't want to overwhelm him with my presence, so, I decided to always go to his flat rather than he come to my flat...foolish me right?

I admired his spirit, and I loved listening to him. He always knew what to say....which is a rare gift. All the men I knew had a problem with timing but he never did. He said, and acted at the right time. I was so comfortable with him, I decided to make him my best friend.

I was not sure he liked girls until he asked me out. I had never seen a girl with him so I assumed he didn't like girls...well he certainly proved me wrong.

I tried to introduce him to a friend after he asked me out but he didn't bother to ask for her number. He was so cold to her, she was mad at me for wasting her time.

I did everything to make him happy. I tried getting him a girlfriend, and he showed no interest.
Where on earth did I go wrong?
Did I annoy him? Did I not make myself clear enough? What did I miss?

Why did he do it?...the coward ****** me...I can't even say the word. He took my dignity. At first I swore never to tell.
I have changed my mind...I am telling everyone who cares to listen...yes...I was a victim...

I believed he was harmless until he showed me that all men are the same...the difference is their colour, race, and background...
I went to him in my time of need, and he took advantage of my vulnerability....I had not been to church in a while but after he did it...I went to church, I cried so hard, the pastor in charge asked me to her office. Thank God it was not a man, I am not sure how I would have reacted. I just sat in the office crying.
It was almost as if she could read my mind, she said ' God will heal you, and take away the pain'

I went home, and I became numb. I thought rape only happened to young girls, who are in school, have useless men in their families, girls who were marked out by other boys, and attacked or girls who suffered in the hands of armed robbers. I never imagined I could go through it. I did not experience it when I was younger so, why now?

I decided to speak because I wanted to humiliate him...I wanted to shame him.

Now, I just want to move to another environment. I don't care if he is sorry. At least I have warned all the girls I know in our area. I am tired of people looking at me with pity. I need some space...I am leaving him, and others like him in the hands of karma...I know he will pay...

Mylipsrsealed...

P.S. Please fight rape in whatever form...

HE SAID....

Hi everyone,

This morning, I got the inspiration to write a 3 part story, all about the same incident. It is such a balanced way of telling a story. I am starting with the man's view on the incident...don't worry, I plan to be fair..at least I will try to be. I believe everyone has a right to tell their side of a story. I really want to know what you think. I don't want to reveal the theme of the story now...why? Well it will ruin the fun for me, and you!!! Please leave a comment after reading.

By the way, I am not done with my gifts to the EXES but I am taking a break before one of them kills me...I will continue when I am at least three thousand kilometres away from the next ex...I am too young to die o...

Enjoy...

HE SAID...

I thought she wanted it...yes!!! she wanted it...women always say No when they mean Yes...

How do you explain her constant visits to my flat? She was always asking for small favours...'Please do you have change? I need to pay the vendor'...'Please can you give me your phone? I don't have credit.'...'Please can you help me pick my clothes on your way from work?'...

I am her neighbour..yes. But I am not her daddy, neither am I father christmas. At first I was only helping because I thought she didn't like the other neighbours but I found out that she was on friendly terms with them then I started to wonder why it was always me, she asked to do things for her. When she broke up with her boyfriend, I was the shoulder she leaned on...I was the one who stood by her,and I helped her heal....please don't I deserve a reward for all my knight in shining armour actions?...we became closer but I didn't ask her out because I wanted to give her time to get over the other fellow...

After two months, I took the bold step,and I asked her out...I acted like a real man, and I asked her to be my woman...I made myself look like a fool because of 'love.' She said no...she laughed at me,and said no. In her quiet, calm way she turned me down. I asked for a reason, and all she said was...'I am just looking for friendship from you, I really like you but not like that.' Please, how else do you like a guy who is loving, kind, and supportive? I know I am not ugly, at least my mirror tells me that every morning...I have also dated very beautiful girls even when I was very broke.

So, why did she say no to me? Am I not good enough? Am I too short? Or too tall? What is wrong with me?
These questions kept running through my mind when she turned me down. Amidst all of these, it suddenly dawned on me that women can never be satisfied!!! So, I decided to keep away from her..I swore never to talk with her again, I was so mad at myself, and her.

My decision flew out of the window the next day. She came to my flat with tears in her eyes, and she hugged me. I knew I was back to being just a 'friendly shoulder.'

I tried my luck with her again, and she still said no...so, I decided to get used to the role she had given me until the day she pushed me to my limits...

She came back home that evening, and knocked on my door. I refused to answer. Just for a day, I needed a break from her,I was tired of hard-ons, and desires, she kept arousing in me without fulfilling them!!! She kept knocking, and I turned deaf ears. I heard her move away from the door after a while, and so I decided to peep, and check. I opened the door, and she jumped at me. 'I knew you were inside! Why are you ignoring me, please let me in, I need you.'

Now, please can any man who is a man honestly tell me that he wouldn't have done what I did. She said she needed me, and so I let her in, now she is telling everyone I raped her!!!

Is it rape when a woman consciously brings herself to your doorstep?
Is it rape when she keeps looking so good whenever she comes to see you?

She gave me the green light and I took it. I did what I did to her because she wanted it. I don't know why she was crying afterwards. The annoying part is she stopped struggling after a while, she just laid there like a dead log of wood...I was too gone to care but now that I remember, I actually feel insulted.

After that night, she stopped talking to me. I didn't care, at least I had gotten a reward for all my stress. Then I noticed one of our other neighbours looking at me, and shaking her head. I knew she had said something to that woman. Now, she has told every one who cared to listen that I raped her...she said I forced myself on her...

I don't feel guilty so I don't care. However, if I don't tell my side of the story, everyone will judge based on her story.

I ask you..yes you...if she didn't want it, why did she make herself available?!!!

Mylipsrsealed...

Please say NO to rape in whatever form...

TO THE ONE WHO COULDNT FORGIVE...

Morning everyone,

Hope you slept okay? I know I did...at least till I woke-up, and I tried to go back to sleep...I had an awkward dream...well it started out making sense then it became very confusing....or clearer. Anywayz, I am up, and I decided to give ex number 4 his gift...with a very big smile. I am smiling because I have cried so many nights. Now, I am not someone who cries,and the whole neighbourhood would know...I am more of a 'silent crier.'
Sometimes I cry, and tears trickle down my face, other times I cry, and my eyes are dry. This particular type of crying is the most painful because you hurt so much, the tears refuse to come out. I give kudos to the male gender because they are very familiar with this type of crying...God forbid, a man should break down like a girl, rather he holds it all in, and he finds a way to let it out either by drinking, partying hard or taking up a habit..if he doesn't drink, smoke or party.

Now, I am not a drinker nor a 'partier' and I don't like smoking so that leaves me with taking up a habit right? Well, when this ex hurt me, I was too hurt to take up a habit so, I spent most nights crying inside, and smiling outside.

He took my spirit, and shredded it. Why? Because he couldn't forgive.
Remember ex number 3? He almost broke me...this one broke me, and he didn't even look back...

Lesson number 1..please learn to forgive...
Lesson number 2...never let a person own too much of you...or else you end up like I did...dead inside, alive outside!

If you are married, and you are reading this, please just stick to lesson number one...why? Because I don't know what marriage is like, so, I can't advise you except I walk a mile in your shoes right?...plus I think if a marriage is real, and true, then you and the person own one another abi?

Moving on...so this ex is one of those I wanted to not write about...but I guess I have to...enjoy...

To you who couldn't forgive...
I remember you now
Because I never forgot
You turned your back without feeling..
Feeling my pain, and silent tears
Even when you backed me
I still whispered your name!!!
Yet you didn't listen
I know you heard
'I am sorry' I pleaded
Yet you refused to turn towards me
You wicked soul!!!
I didn't cheat..
I didn't lie
I simply showed you my flaw
And you ran like a scared rabbit...
Ha ha ha...you ran
Even if I lied or cheated..
Are you so perfect to judge me?
If GOD can forgive...
Who are you to turn your back?

Look at me now
I see a man and I am afraid to show him my flaws
Lest he runs or turns his back like you did
If you were a leader
You would be a young Idi-Amin
If you were a woman
You would be a Jezebel
You should have listened
Or pretended to listen...
You, who I never should have looked at ever
I can almost curse the day I saw you
But I won't...because I am better than you
At least you didn't take a journey in me
Else I would have chopped off your manhood...
The thought gives me unexplained pleasure
Yes.. I would gladly make you less of a man...gladly

If I meet another like you
I won't run...I would stay and seek silent revenge
But if I do that, it means we are the same..and I am nothing like you
So if I meet you in another form...
I would show my flaws...love like never before
And forgive him what I hold against you...
You hear?
I forgive you for not forgiving me
I need to move on lest I die a bitter person
So, I leave you with this...a gift from me to you...
I leave you with this part of me
That I never want to see again..
Take it o...my lovely EX number four
Take the sad part of me...
That is all you deserve...

Mylipsrsealed...

To those who can't forgive...shake my head for you!!!